The buttoned-up world of accounting is not at all what it seems. An investigation into the human side of the profession has uncovered an unending supply of ‘strange but true’ tales. 
 
Story Melissa Wilkinson Illustration Ned Culic  
 
Sex, drugs, attempted murder and fairies at the bottom of the garden are just some of the trials and tribulations faced by the average accountant during the course of business. 
 
Sue Prestney, partner at MGI Boyd, says that accounting is definitely not just about numbers. 
 
“I’ve been working in this profession for 34 years and found that if you can’t deal with people and maintain relationships then you certainly shouldn’t be in a service industry,” she says. “It’s actually not about numbers at all, but people. Accountants are seen as trusted advisors which means that often you have no choice but to get drawn into the human side of a business.” 
 
Prestney seems to be right. When there is love and money involved, it’s particularly easy for a situation to turn into a highly charged issue. 
 
Accounting And Family Disputes  
Paul Vincent, senior partner at Vincents Chartered Accountants, still remembers one of the more traumatic times in his forensic accounting career. 
 
“We were involved in a family court matter with a husband and wife who were battling it out in a very bitter dispute involving children, finances and property. We were working for the husband who turned out to be quite a hot-tempered man. We had just finished the first day of the court case and were outside the courtroom discussing how well we thought the day had gone. 
 
“I was standing next to the husband and suddenly a scuffle broke out between the husband and the wife’s lawyer. The husband had lunged across and stabbed the lawyer in the upper arm with a biro. 
 
A security guard ran over, broke up the fight and dragged away the husband who was subsequently charged with assault.” Vincent’s experiences haven’t all been marred by violence. 
 
“During the early days of my career I can still remember a female client who was about 45 years old. I used to give her advice about general accounting issues. One day she walked into my office, shut the door and then started to take off all her clothes. I was pretty stunned but managed to walk out and ask my assistant to get her to leave. She then had to come and find me once the client had safely gone.” 
 
On another occasion when he was still quite young and green, Vincent received an unorthodox introduction to the world of tax auditing. 
 
“It was the first time that I had been involved with an audit and I was really looking forward to learning how everything worked. In those days, the taxman used to visit people in their homes to inspect the way they lived in order to find any discrepancies in their lifestyle and reported income. 
 
“My client ran a cash business and I advised him to not have any flash cars in the driveway or Rembrandts on the wall when the tax officer arrived. When the day of the audit came, we ended up all standing around in the lounge room with the cricket on in the background. 
 
“While my client was chatting with the tax officer I saw a giant safe as big as a refrigerator standing right in the corner of the room. I proceeded to try and divert the attention of the taxman away from the safe towards the cricket. Of course I failed in this quest and he started asking my client about the safe’s contents. 
 
“The client turned to the man and said ‘that’s where I keep all my green stuff’. I just about fainted thinking that he’d stored all his cash right where the taxman was going to find it. He eventually opened the safe and in it were about 20 shopping bags full of marijuana and one lonely bottle of Star wine. He claimed it was all for personal use but it still resulted in a very long investigation.” 
 
Taking One For The Firm 
Robert Powell, a director in the business advisory division at BDO Kendalls, can also recall one of the more unusual experiences from his early days. 
 
“I was about 30 years old and had inherited from a colleague a client who was a successful commercial artist. He used to do artwork for advertising campaigns and was quite highly regarded in the industry. He seemed to be a pretty conservative person who was in his early to mid-50s. 
 
“One day he came into my office to discuss his tax return and brought in his portfolio of artwork to show me. At the front of the folder were some very nice technical drawings of cans of soup and then at the back of the folder were some amazing pictures of elves, goblins and fairies. 
 
“When I asked him if he drew these creatures from his own imagination, he explained that they were real and lived at the bottom of his garden. The client was deadly serious and we spent the next hour talking about these mythical woodland people. 
 
“I had to sit there nodding in agreement and pretending that I believed him. He was a very important client of the firm at the time and someone whom we couldn’t afford to lose. After that initial conversation, he would regularly come in and we’d discuss these creatures during our meetings. 
 
“Soon I had to start writing down each of their names so that I didn’t forget them or which one lived in the knot hole of a tree. Needless to say, eventually I became a bit of an expert on the topic and the whole episode was quite educational. It was certainly an unusual situation but one in which it was crucial that I maintained the relationship. You could say that I took one for the firm by not freaking out or refusing to deal with the client. Since then I’ve always known that there are lots of different people out there with really different beliefs.” 
 
Grant Thornton’s Andrew Rigele who is a director in the audit division believes that sometimes strange-but-true client situations can offer the greatest opportunity to add value. 
 
“We were helping a client with a stocktake and while on the warehouse floor we discovered some poor stock management practices by the client’s distribution agent. Some quick thinking and mobile phone photos of the stock meant we were able to give our client the evidence needed to renegotiate the distribution agreements and ultimately save him money.” 
 
Hiding From The Mob  
Michael Andrew is the Australian chairman of KPMG and has met a few peculiar people in his time. About 10 years ago when he was a tax partner at KPMG, he was called to a securities house to meet a new client. 
 
“At the meeting, there were two women covered in black veils because they didn’t want to risk being identified. The older woman who became our client was Russian and was accompanied by her adopted daughter. She lived in a very modest house in suburban Melbourne and wanted to know more from us about the taxation of offshore earnings. 
 
“It turns out that the client’s husband had been in and out of hospital during the year with headaches. He was eventually diagnosed with a fatal brain tumour. The husband managed to check himself out of hospital, make it home and start burning office papers. He got half way through this task and unfortunately died. 
 
“After this happened, our client started to receive a series of letters from all over the world containing dividend payments. She didn’t have a clue what was going on and was very worried about the source of all the money. 
 
“We were asked to do a review of several cupboards full of papers and found out by tracing his passports and travel arrangements that he had fled from Russia during the Communist takeover and escaped with a substantial amount of money. 
 
“The husband had never told his wife how much money was involved. Over the years, he had accumulated so much that, on his death, his assets totalled about $20 million. After this revelation, our client was very worried about the prospect of any attention from government authorities, Russian mafia or potential thieves.” 
 
Des Munro, principal at Sims Partners, says sometimes being an accountant means that you just have to grin and bear it. 
 
“We were appointed the voluntary administrators of a gentleman’s (strip) club and part of our role involved interviewing staff who worked at the club. Many of these employees were dressed in their working attire during the formal interviews which meant they were usually wearing nothing but a pair of high heels. We also had to make a list of company assets in order to assist in settling some of the ownership disputes. A number of interesting items were reported, including cowboy outfits and nurses’ uniforms.” 
 
It seems that accounting is not for the faint-hearted after all. While there are still people involved, it appears that the vagaries of the human condition will continue to seep through and colour the landscape at every turn. 
 
Special thanks go to David Crase from Crase 
Consulting Group Pty Ltd in preparing this story. 
 
STRANGE BUT TRUE  
“During an investigation of a major fraud case where an entire 
management team was corrupt, my house got burgled. Very 
insignificant items were taken during the robbery, and, to this day, 
I’m sure it was linked to that case.” 
Michael Andrew, Australian Chairman of KPMG 
 
“I was involved in a liquidation case involving a fencing contractor 
many, many years ago. When the auctioneer and I went to the 
premises we had a gun pulled on us by the director of the company. 
Luckily, we managed to talk our way out of the situation safely. 
I didn’t tell my wife about what had happened and basically forgot 
all about it. At my recent 50th birthday someone mentioned it in a 
speech and my wife Anne nearly had a heart attack on the spot.” 
Anonymous 
 
“A few years ago I was appointed the receiver and manager of 
a forklift distributor business. The director was basically very 
unhappy about the appointment. When the lender and I arrived 
at the warehouse to meet the director, he let us in, turned on the 
alarm system and then sprinted out the door, slamming it behind 
him. Because it was a deadlock door, we couldn’t open it from 
the inside or even any of the other doors. The alarm was triggered 
by movement, so we immediately set it off and had to deal with 
this horrendous noise while we phoned for help. Eventually a 
locksmith arrived to free us.” 
Anonymous 
 
“We saw a case of misguided loyalty by a director’s assistant 
during a voluntary administration case. The assistant went to 
extreme lengths to prevent the recovery of a number of motor 
vehicles by the administrators. He parked his car in one gateway 
and then lay down on the muddy ground in the other gateway to 
stop the vehicles from being taken. Unfortunately, his business suit 
didn’t fair too well from this experience.” 
Des Munro, Principal, Sims Partners 
 
“I’ve had a shotgun aimed at me as the taxpayer was not keen 
on seeing the taxman at his doorstep.” 
Anonymous 
 
“I’ve been offered the company of a taxpayer’s wife in order 
to pay off a tax debt. I wasn’t sure what sort of official receipt to 
provide, so I declined.” 
Anonymous 
 
“I was working on a project to find out whether a product fell into 
the category of cakes and confectionery. This was because if it 
was deemed a cake, it was subject to value added tax. As a result, 
I was ‘forced’ to eat substantial amounts of it.” 
Anonymous 
 
“In one case, the director of the business was raising some 
money to pay off the debt and told us he’d bring in a bank 
cheque at 9 o’clock the next morning. He didn’t arrive at 9.00am 
and later explained to us that he’d been mugged outside the 
casino and his cheque was stolen and couldn’t be replaced.” 
Anonymous 
 
“When I worked in the tax office, I helped destroy Ferraris, 
pornography, arms and drugs that had been seized because they 
had been illegally imported or the duty had not been paid.” 
Anonymous 
 
“One hotel client was very diligent in keeping all his 
records including the till register printouts. They were stored 
in one of his cellars which generally filled with water from 
natural causes at least once a year. If it didn’t, then occasionally 
a faulty tap or hose would somehow leak water and ensure 
the same result. When, or if, the tax department came to 
audit, the client would give them a list of his documents 
and point them to the cellar where they were stored. 
He never failed an audit.” 
 
Kym Weir, Managing Director, Rundle Capital Partners Ltd 
“When I’ve had clients before that couldn’t afford to pay their 
bills, I’ve received things like half a sheep and sometimes a 
chicken as payment in kind.” 
 
Paul Vincent, Vincent Chartered Accountants 
“I interviewed hostesses at a night club to determine if 
they were employees or self employed. The test is whether 
there was a ‘contract for services’ or a ‘contract for service’. 
Apparently, it all depends upon how you contract 
with the lady concerned.” 
Anonymous 
 
“When I was working at the tax office on fraud cases I had to 
eat in restaurants, go to nightclubs, attend concerts and go to air 
shows. I had to do this in order to count the number of attendees 
and dinners so that we could calculate how much was being 
spent at each event.” 
Anonymous 
 
“In another voluntary administrator case, some of the staff in the 
company involved showed a clear lack of understanding about the 
law and responsibilities of an administrator. In this situation, the 
administrator and his team turned up at a restaurant and were met 
with the kitchen’s fierce looking Asian chef. He was brandishing an 
extremely large kitchen knife – which looked recently sharpened 
and ready to do business.” 
Des Munro, Principal, Sims Partners